The Complete Guide To Sex

Issue #2
Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

- A thorough guide to STDs for parents of teenagers and teenagers alike.


Genital Herpes
(A.K.A. The gift that keeps on giving)

Genital herpes is no laughing matter. There is no cure for genital herpes. It is a lifelong disease. The band Limp Bizkit once contracted genital herpes, none survived. I’m here to raise awareness about genital herpes in an attempt to minimise any casualties within this community. Even though many people actually believe genital herpes to be nothing but an urban myth, I can assure you – It’s real, it’s alive, it’s out there – and it’s coming to get you.

Did you know? - You can get genital herpes on your face? Yes, it is true – experts have concluded that genital herpes can migrate, like indigenous nomads – except they don’t carry around spears – instead, genital herpes are known to shoot out something known as “herpal fluid” straight from a small tube that may be found in their lower abdomen. Needless to say, if exposed to these fluids it may cause symptoms of drowsiness, guttural discomfort, erectile dysfunction, loss of teeth, death and the inexplicable craving for a shot of toilet duck.

Here are a few ways to fend off the dreaded herpes of the genitalia:

- Don’t have sex.
- If you must have sex, do it with fruit. Fruit are immune to genital herpes because fruit have teeth in their genitals which can kill a genital herpes in under 2 seconds.
- Wear a nice hat.
- Wear your underwear inside-out.
- Arm yourself to the teeth.

If you or your loved ones do happen to fall victim to genital herpes, what ever you do, DO NOT PANIC. Genital herpes can smell your fear.

Tip: Do not scratch, as this will anger the genital herpes.


Gonorrhoea
(A.K.A. The Clap)

Gonorrhoea is a very ugly bacterial infection that can plague one’s genitalia. If there were a list of the ugliest STDs, gonorrhoea would certainly rank in one of the top 50. I can’t even begin to stress how ugly it is. It’s about as ugly as its very given name, however, I’d rather have gonorrhoea than actually be ugly as sin itself - as gonorrhoea is very curable. No plastic surgery needed in this case. I’d still rather lick piss of a thistle than contract gonorrhoea…

Did you know? – Gonorrhoea is otherwise known as The Clap because once contracted, the bearer hears constant clapping sounds upon every action they perform, further enhancing their ego. This can be quite disastrous in the long run as their heads become larger and larger, until their cranium mass becomes so dense that it will finally cause their spinal column to diffuse and eventually collapse. The Clap aims to end you and it sure has a sharp aim – much like Clint Eastwood. Get it treated.

Tip: Do not have sex standing up, do not have sex in the missionary position – in fact - do not have sex at all.



Pubic Parasites
(A.K.A. Crabs)

Pubic parasites are not uncommon; they are the Tinky Winky of nits. I mention Tinky Winky in the more perverted meaning, rather than referring to his interest of violent sodomy. Even though sodomy is perverted in its own nature – however this is irrelevant. Pubic parasites attach themselves to one’s pubic hair where they feed from the host’s blood, much like vampires – only vampires tend to go for the neck rather than one’s genitals, albeit unlike vampires, pixies, Santa Claus and Quasimodo’s good looks – the crab louse is very real.

Did you know? - The crab louse is not such a big threat; in fact many people say that the crab louse is indeed our friend. The human race can thank the crab louse for many things, for example, the Sistine Chapel and Creative Writing courses.

Tip: Rid yourself of all bodily hair to avoid this one. Replace with assorted wigs – one can even find pubic wigs in this day and age.




The internet
(A.K.A. The worst thing to happen to the English language since text messaging)

Statistics have shown that 86% of teenagers who have access to the World Wide Web are sexually active and prone to new-tech diseases. These NTDs are the result of technology gone wrong. Much like STDs, NTDs are transmitted via sexual contact – however, due to the nature of the internet, the NTDs are carried through the fibre wire connecting each computer into the mouse and straight into the victim’s medulla oblongata where it remains in its dormant and vegetative state until one hears the ringing of a bicycle bell.
This is why we must all keep our antivirus software up to date, although you might as well be raped and thrown into the gutter due to the prices of antiviral software and the amount of memory used solely to slow your computer down.

Did you know? – You should constantly check your computer for certain files that tend to carry NTDs, namely mp3 files and exe files. Do not fear if you happen to stumble across one of these files, they cannot harm you unless opened – and for Christ’s sake do not touch the mouse. Simply open up your computer by unscrewing at the back of the case and lift the lid off – once inside take out all the cables and wash them under some hot bleach you heated up from the kettle, then replace them whilst you enjoy a fine mug of that herbal tea you purchased from that charming fellow with the beard and striking B.O.

As a parent, you may want to monitor your child’s activity on and off the internet. To be sure your child is safe from NTDs have a look through this checklist:

Does your child own:
- A web camera
- An e-mail address
- A large mousepad

Does your child use a shorthand lingo to communicate with other web users?


If the answer to any of these is yes or no, then your child is in great peril.

Tip: Make sure your children are protected whilst browsing through sites, especially PARA sites. - (Couldn’t help myself, my apologies).



Pregnancy
(A.K.A. You are indeed, my friend, 100% totally screwed)

- The most lethal of all sexually transmitted diseases - A burden to both the parent/s and society. The reason we all fear the dreadful act of undressing ourselves and performing coitus - Need I say more? Fear the pregnancy if you must fear anything at all. Once you are pregnant it is the beginning of the end. I have never been pregnant, nor have I ever impregnated anyone - this is why I am such a successful, prominent and promising writer and mathematician.

It has been proven that global birth rates affect the world’s death rates directly by 6000%. This means that for every birth, there are over four hundred deaths, a devastating number. If this continues, the world’s population might decline into negative figures by the year 2015. This is something I do not want to put myself nor my children through.

Did you know? – Whilst one is pregnant, contrary to popular belief, a stalk does not fly in with a child held in a napkin. Instead, stalks carry the child in between two loaves of bread – ready to eat. The mother must then battle the bird in a fight to the death. The victor then receives their rightful baby.

Tip: Wolves eat babies.



The STD test.
How can I tell if I have any of the above Sexually Transmitted Diseases?

There is a simple yet highly effective manner in which to determine whether you may have or may not have an STD. Just follow the following procedure step by step:

• Take a glass (or plastic) vial of lukewarm tap water
• Proceed to pour it on your lap
• You put your left leg in
• You put your left leg out
• You put your left leg in
• And you shake it all about.
• You do the Hokey Cokey and you turn around
• That's what it's all about...
• Oh, the Hokey Cokey, (perform 3 times before following on to the next step)
• That's what it's all about.
• Knees Bend arms stretched rah, rah, rah! (Pound your fists down on a table as you say “rah, rah, rah”).
If this hurts you definitely might have contracted any of the above diseases, if not all. I am sorry.

*Disclaimer:
The views, opinions and ideas expressed by the author should not (and most likely cannot) be taken likely – they are purely tongue in cheek and for entertainment purposes. In no way should they be practised or even regarded as adequate – nor does the author condone the performance of the “Hokey Cokey”. Herpes isn’t really out to get you, just be careful and you’ll sleep well.
The author would like to sincerely apologise for wasting the reader’s time.